Regional Exchangeable Terrorist Adoption and Relocation Timetable By Robert from the US Army Email: rs04fta@msn.com
|
To: Mr. and Mrs.____________________________
From: P.A. Triot Secretary of Homeland Defense
Ref: Regional Exchangeable Terrorist Adoption and Relocation Timetable
It has come to our attention at the Homeland Security that you have concerns of
the alleged ill treatment of terrorists held at Guantanimo Bay in Cuba. Bay.
Although the war against terrorism continues in various parts of the world, the
U.S. Government is sensitive to all U.S citizens and their concerns. We
understand that to some citizens, the treatment of terrorists are far more
important than assisting families of the victims of the terrorist attacks on
September 11, 2001. We realize that to you and your family, the deaths of
thousands of innocent civilians seem trivial compared to the living conditions
of terrorists. We also recognize that the deaths of American soldiers fighting
in Afghanistan to eliminate future terrorist attacks are of no concern to you
and your family. Therefore, effective 1 April 2002 the government will sponsor a
new program called the Regional Exchangeable Terrorist Adoption and Relocation
Timetable (RETART). Under the RETART, those citizens who feel as though the
terrorists are being treated unfairly will have the opportunity to adopt a
terrorist from Guantanimo Bay. Families who object to the Gitmo facilities and
the treatment of the terrorists will be interviewed by friendly special agents
of the F.B.I. Those agents will then assist Gitmo officials in selecting
terrorists who may be best suited to meet your family’s needs and concerns. The
U.S government wants everyone to be happy, especially those who sympathize with
terrorists, therefore, these selected terrorists are exchangeable. If for any
reason, you are not satisfied with the terrorist you have adopted and things
just don’t work out, you may exchange the terrorist for another one so long as
you abide by the timetable.
Since the RETART is a government sponsored program, all food, water and building
material will be provided by the government. As an adopting family, you are
required to abide by the customs of the terrorist so as not to offend the
terrorist. The government realizes that conforming to the ways of the Taliban
may be a difficult transition, therefore a Timetable as been developed to assist
you in making this as enjoyable to you and your family as possible. The
following is a Timetable that you will follow to assist you in not offending the
terrorist and thereby affording him better treatment than at Gitmo.
Week 1- You and your family will need to place the following items in a secure
storage facility that will be provided by the government:
TV’s, VCR’s, Gamestations, all forms of art depicting living things and life in
general; pornography, family videos and pictures, soda, alcohol, junk food in
general; all forms of Music (especially American bands) unless it is Islamic or
produced by Bin Laden; computers-only your adopted terrorist will be allowed to
have a computer so that he can still maintain communications will his friends
and fellow terrorists. If your are not sure if you can keep an item, your
adopted terrorist will assist you in the ways of the Taliban. It is recommended
that you involve your adopted terrorist so that you can have a more authentic
Taliban experience.
Week 2- Your wife and/or daughter/s will be required to resign from their
workplace. They will no longer be allowed to work. During this week, your family
will be introduced to a great new line of clothing. Females in your family will
be required to wear the official outerwear for females under the Taliban. This
will be the start of an exciting and interesting view into the customs and
traditions for females under the Taliban.
Week 3- You, your new family will be relocated to a desert in Arizona. Once
there, you, your family and your terrorist will build a house out of mud and
rocks. Your terrorist will assist you in this enjoyable, family-fun filled
experience.
Week 4- During this week, the female members will be introduced to the rigid and
challenging laws of the Taliban for females: The female members of your family
can not allow their skin to be exposed once they leave your dwelling. In order
to retain authenticity and so as not to offend your terrorist, any female family
member caught with exposed skin outside the house will be beaten and/or shot.
The government wants you to have the most authentic experience possible. Females
may not converse with males who are not in your family. Again, in accordance
with Taliban law, any female who does converse with another male will beaten
and/or shot. Females will not be allowed to vote. Females will not have any
decision making authority or choices. Females will not be allowed to use sex as
a weapon, they will do whatever the husband says. This week will be a very
challenging week for your family, however, we are certain in your quest to
ensure your adopted terrorist is treated fairly, we are confident you will be
successful.
Week 5-During this week we want your adopted terrorist to get closer to your
family, since the female members no longer have choices, your terrorist will be
required to share a bedroom with one of your female members regardless of age.
Since we do not want you to offend your adopted terrorist and treat him
unfairly, he will get to choose which bedroom he wants. If he happens to choose
the husband’s bedroom, the husband will be required to sleep in another room
until your terrorist feels fully welcomed into your family. The length of time
is at his discretion. We realize this may be an uncomfortable situation at
first, however, you are asked to remember the horrible conditions that your
terrorist was living in 5 weeks ago.
Week 6- During this week, fertilizer, gasoline, knives, box cutters and
electronic components will be delivered to your house. These will be used to
entertain your terrorist. We are confident he will know what to do with them.
Please do not be concerned if you hear your terrorist working late into the
night. We have found that terrorists are very resourceful and like to stay busy
building things. Again, you do not need to be concerned.
Week 7- In keeping with Taliban traditions, you will learn about the Islamic
Fundamentalist religion and will be required to listen to Islamic Religious
chants and songs for. Your days and nights will be filled with the joyous sounds
of repetitious chants. We want to help you memorize each chant and song,
therefore, you will be provided this entertainment 24 hours a day for a full
week.
Week 8-Finally, you have reached the last week of this program. During this
week, you and your family will have the opportunity to see exactly how your
terrorist was living at Gitmo Bay. You and your family will reside in the same
quarters as your terrorist did at Gitmo Bay. We hope you will enjoy your 7 day
stay at Gitmo. During your stay at Gitmo, your adopted terrorist will be
relocated back into your home where all your possessions will be removed from
storage and placed back into your home where your terrorist will enjoy the
comforts of your home. This will be done to ensure your terrorist is truly
treated fairly and allow the terrorist to experience the privileges of your
luxuries that he was not allowed to have under the Taliban.
At the conclusion of this program we will ask you and your family your thoughts
and feelings about the American way of living and the treatment of terrorists.We
appreciate your concern for the terrorists and look forward to your
participation in this unique and satisfying program.
Sincerely,
PA Triot
By Robert from the US Army