SCORECARD FOR MEN Men, have you ever wondered how you were doing on a date, or in your marriage? Here's a quick was to figure it out! From the Men's Journal of Health. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy! Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects -- sorry, that's the way the game is played. Simple Duties You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car + 1 You make sure there are enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station - 1 You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb + 1 You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away - 1 You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish + 1 You leave dishes in the sink - 1 You leave them under the bed - 5 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners (with wings) + 5 But you return with beer - 5 You leave the toilet seat up - 1 You replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty 0 When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex - 1 When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom - 2 You make the bed + 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets - 1 You check out a suspicious noise at night 0 You check out a suspicious noise at night and it's nothing 0 You check out a suspicious noise at night and it's something + 5 You pummel it with a six iron + 10 It's her father - 10 Social Engagements You stay by her side the entire party 0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy - 2 Named Tiffany - 4 Tiffany is a dancer - 6 Tiffany has implants - 8 When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly + 1 When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump - 5 When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere as near as attractive as you" + 1 When your mate points toward a woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed!" - 6 That woman is her sister - 90 You have one drink, and that's it 0 You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle - 2 You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted - 18 Things of a Disgusting Nature You unclog a stopped-up toilet + 6 You clean up cat, dog or human vomit + 7 You get rid of a dead rodent + 8 You remove the collie from the thresher + 12 You take her mother to see Cats + 16 Saturday Afternoon You go to the mall together + 3 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, park the car + 4 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, drive to a sports bar - 2 You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it + 3 You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional 0 You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk + 3 Most of it is chips and beer - 6 You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den + 15 Or refinishing the floors + 16 Or rewiring the basement + 17 Or adding a second floor + 18 Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket - 6 And you're tickled pink about it - 15 You visit her parents + 1 You visit her parents and actually make conversation + 3 You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television - 3 And the television is off - 6 You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear - 6 And you didn't even go to college - 10 And it's not your underwear - 15 Her Birthday You take her out to dinner 0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar + 1 Okay, it is a sports bar - 2 And it's all-you-can-eat night - 3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team - 10 You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player + 3 You go to a nice, pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing + 4 And you stink + 2 And you're not half bad + 5 You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause - 2 You give her a gift 0 You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance - 10 You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance + 1 You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate + 2 You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months + 30 You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day - 10 With her credit card - 30 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big - 40 Thoughtfulness You forget her birthday completely - 10 You forget your anniversary - 20 You forget to pick her up at the bus station - 25 Which is in Newark, New Jersey - 35 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast - 50 A Night Out with the Boys Go out with a pal - 5 And the pal is happily married - 4 Or frighteningly single - 7 And he drives a Trans Am - 10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) - 15 You have a few beers - 9 And miss curfew by an hour - 12 You get home at 3 am - 20 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars - 30 And not wearing any pants - 40 Is that a tattoo??? -200 Her Night Out You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends + 5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and come home late + 10 You wait up + 15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed + 20 She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not before she pukes in the bathroom + 25 Which you clean up + 30 A Night at Home You watch TV together 0 You rent a movie + 1 You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY + 3 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout + 5 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep - 1 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool - 2 A Night Out You take her to a movie + 2 You take her to a movie she likes + 4 You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon) + 6 You take her to a movie you like - 2 It's called DeathCop 3 - 7 Which features cyborgs having sex - 9 You lied, said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs - 15 Flowers You buy her flowers only when it's expected 0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it + 5 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself + 10 And she contracts Lyme Disease - 25 Your Physique You develop a noticeable potbelly - 15 You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it + 10 You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts - 5 Grooming You trim your nails + 5 You trim your nails in the living room - 10 You trim your nails and flick them at the cat - 15 You shave on the weekends + 2 You don't shave on the weekends - 4 You don't bathe on the weekends either - 8 But then, neither does she + 8 Finances You spend a lot of money on something impractical - 5 Something she can't use - 10 Such as a motorized model airplane - 20 And your kid needs braces - 30 In fact, all four of the kids need braces -120 Driving You lose the directions on a trip - 4 You lose the directions and end up getting lost - 10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town - 15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meets the locals up close and personal - 25 She finds out you lied about having a black belt - 60 The Big Question She asks "Do I look fat?" - 5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding - 10 You reply, "Where?" - 25 Communication When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression 0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes + 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV + 10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep - 1